We take our hummingbirds seriously around these parts, so I’m a little perturbed to find empty feeders on the ground in the morning. The hummers typically feed until sundown, so something’s conducting a late night, confectionary, critter crime in the backyard.
In addition to the feeders, I discovered an entrance to a subterranean tunnel leading under the house. Co-habitating with critters is not my cup of sweet tea!
The Confectionary Critter Caper
Not knowing how to eliminate these unwelcome pests, I enlisted the help of one of the greatest hunters of all time, Mr. Elmer J. Fudd.
Elmer recommends the ACME Pest Control Company’s patented Buck Wogers Wightning Quick Wabbit Kiwwer. How’s that for a mouthful? Technically, it’s a Havaheart trap, conveniently available at your nearest big box home improvement store.
Elmer says to bait the trap and see what happens. You can bait it with pet food, fruit or vegetables, cheese or even peanut butter. Elmer’s preference is carrots.
Trap is set. Now, be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits!, He-e-e-e-e! Come over here you scwewy wabbit.
Why, you wascally wabbit! You’re not a wascally wabbit, you’re a wascally waccoon!
Say your pwayers, waccoon!
You’re being admitted into my mandatory varmint relocation program, akin to a witness protection program for cwafty cwitters. Being a civic minded person, I’m transporting you to a wemote location where you can’t cause any more trouble. Sounds like a Donald Trump campaign promise doesn’t it?
Elmer reminds me to keep politics out of this post and to always check with your wocal or state Game Commission to determine the lawful method of disposing of a captured wild or nuisance animal. With one waccoon welocated, we weset the trap.
By sunrise guess who suwpwises me? Another wascally waccoon! Two varmints in one night. Suffering succotash, who will bewieve me?
The Tunnel Caper
Are you still curious about the tunnel and the cannabilistic humanoid underground dweller living under my house? Suspecting a culprit that’s better known south of the border, I enlisted the help of the roughest, toughest, root’nest, toot’nest, fastest gun-slinger west of the Pecos, Yosemite Sam.
Yosemite arrived with both guns a blazin’ and yelled into the tunnel, “I’m givin’ ya one last chance ta surrenda!
No response.
“I’m a gonna blow ya ta smithereenies!”
No response.
Due to the critter’s lack of cooperation, we set the trap as before with an additional piece of lumber. We angled both to direct the vermin into the cage when it decides to make its debut. A worm-filled sock, used as bait, is recommended to snare this long eared galoot.
We waited over 3 – 4 days without a varmint in sight. Just when we were about to give up, Whoa, great horny-toads, or more scientifically great Dasypus novemcinctus, we snared us a nine banded armadillo.
Be you the mean hombre that’s a-hankerin’ for a heap of trouble, stranger? Well, be ya?
It’s best to stay away from armadillos because they’re known to carry leprosy so back, back, back … down ya shark livered varmint! In fact, they are the only wild animals other than humans upon which the picky M. leprae bacteria can stand to live.
Oooo! Ya long eared, fur bearin’, flat-footed varmint … say yer prayers ya critter! You’re headed for the varmint welocation program too.
Now that I’ve rid my backyard of these nocturnal nuisances, it’s time for some west and wewaxation at wast! And Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-… That’s all, folks!
Thank you for this delightful morning entertainment! Let’s hope your intermission is a long one with no curtain calls for critters!
Thanks Ginny! Got your email and glad you were entertained.